transformed

nine weeks ago i brought my tiny human home from the hospital. she was a bundle of jaundice, mixed up days and nights, screaming cries, and snuggly sleepiness. G and i were zombies, living off of love and the hope that someday soon we'd remember how to human. 

and i tried like mary to treasure up those precious first days in my heart. but at the same time i was wishing away the newborn stage. what no one tells you is that owning a pet is in no way like being a new parent. no amount of dog walking, house training, and remembering to feed and water your barking pal will provide you with the skills to survive night wakings every hour on the hour followed by 30 minutes of crying, by every human in the house. 

so you make it up as you go. i made a lot of mistakes. i got frustrated at my lack of ability. i threw parties for the smallest wins because they seemed like the biggest victories of my life. i prayed and prayed some more. and slowly and all too quickly the time passed and the #rowenugget got a little more predictable and i got a little more skilled in faking it until i made it. 

before i brought that tiny life into the world, one of my biggest fears was that i would lose myself and my own personal identity by becoming a mother. i'd no longer be my own person. i'd only be someone's mother. and in a lot of ways that's so true. especially in the first weeks, you lay everything you want and have at the alter of insanity and you just do whatever you can to eat, sleep, and shower while that baby sleeps. but instead of losing myself, i think the word i would use to describe motherhood is that it transforms you. i'm transformed. i'll never be the same person i was. and suddenly that's totally okay with me. because even though i still want to be myself and have my own identity and stuff and likes and dislikes i want to be the #rowenugget's mommy even more. 

if there is one thing that the transformation of mommy-dom has done it has been to shine a light on what really matters to me. my first calling is to my family - G, the #rowenugget, and the people i hold most dear. the second is to my ministry - serving at my church in tangible ways, serving with my life. and everything else is just part of lesser callings. not unimportant. just not the most important things. there's only a handful of days left before i return to my nine-to-five. and while i'm extremely grateful for a job that provides for our little family, i am especially sad to leave my little one. because she's part of that most important calling in my life. and gosh, i just want to spend every minute of the day squeezing her. 

so today i am just going to treasure her up in my heart. treasure up the days i've had and the days i have left and the days to come. treasure up those 3 am feedings, treasure up the cries. treasure up the way she plays with her hair just like her daddy when she's sleepy. treasure up each smile and snuggle.