one month

my little panda

your first month of life was maybe one of the hardest months of my life ever. you made me rethink everything i thought i knew. about myself. about my life. you have not been an easy baby. you fight naps like it's your job. you wake up multiple times a night and won't go back to sleep. you fuss and cry for no reason and leave me totally clueless. but sweetie, you are so worth it. you are worth every minute of lost sleep. every moment of confusion. you are worth all the self-doubt, the worrying, the late nights and early mornings.

you love to be snuggled. you've loved snuggles since day one. you don't mind when people besides mom and dad cuddle you because you just love to be cuddled. you must get that from your dad because i'm not the snuggle bug in this family.

this week you've been so awake. the newborn sleepiness is definitely fading fast. you just stare at me with your big brown eyes. sometimes i don't say anything and just stare back at you and sometimes i sing you little songs and tell you all sorts of mind-numbing things. but you never seem to mind.

we've been reading you a story from your jesus storybook bible every night before bed. then your dad and i judge whether or not it was decent and true to the "real bible". then we hold you and pray for a little bit of sleep. and for your heart to love Jesus.

sometimes in the middle of the night, when i want to cry i'm so tired and you just want to be rocked forever and never actually fall asleep, you give me a little sleepy giggle. your dad has yet to experience the sleepy giggle but it is basically the best gift for your sleep-deprived mother. more of those wouldn't hurt your case, especially at 3 am.

i know the days will get easier. and you'll sleep more. and you'll need me less. and as much as i long for those days i'll miss these days. the slow days with lots of cuddles and sleepy sighs and squishy newborn-ness. it's already been a month and i still can't believe you're mine.

you are so beautiful. and i love you little puppy.

you

if you had asked me only a few short months ago how i thought life with a newborn would go, it would be a totally different explanation than reality.

honestly, i thought it would be a little bit easier. i'm not too prideful to admit that some moments are just plain hard. like bring back the labor and delivery part hard because that was a cake walk comparatively. bring back the cankles. wait. i don't mean that.

and if you had asked me how i thought G and i would weather the sleepless nights and screaming new baby cries and total confusion as to what to do with the little person in our arms, i would have probably told you we'd be ready to kill. but i would have been wrong about that part, as well.

they say having a baby can't fix your marriage. and i'm sure that's true. but hot dang, it's made ours so much stronger. i have never seen my husband be such a rock star. he has been so selfless in providing for our little family, sacrificing sleep and comfort and personal time to be present and helpful. 

where i thought there would be tension there is patience. where i expected complaining there is none. where there might typically be arguments there is affection. i thought i'd get tired of having him home. i thought i'd be pushing him out the door and back to work. but instead i was soaking up each moment with just the three of us. completely exhausted and totally overwhelmed but absolutely in love with each other and our little #rowenugget. 

today is the first day G is back to work. and i can't tell you how nervous i was to tackle this baby care thing alone. because G has been absolutely crucial to my survival these last two weeks. he's kept me sane, let me cry my hormonal brains out, given me time to myself to feel human, and cheered me on every step of the way. 

having a baby has been the most challenging thing we've ever done. but i wouldn't want to be on this road with anyone else. you are my favorite person in the whole world. we're so lucky to be your girls.

[all photos by the talented jonathan o'brien of the bearded lensman]

she's here.

exactly one week ago my world changed forever.

welcome, baby girl. we are so glad you are finally in our arms.

it's so true that being a parent points you to our Father, the Creator of the Universe. 

my desperate need for Him, reflected in my daughter's desperate need for me.

it's been a whirlwind week. full of newborn snuggles and very little sleeping. but we are so thankful for a healthy baby. for family and friends whose love and support has been so precious. for doctors who have been patient and calm. and for our Savior who holds us tired parents in the hard moments.

we have full hearts.