three months

little puppy, you are three months old and so much fun to be around. i can't believe we are already saying goodbye to the newborn days. you have turned your daddy and i into those annoying people that take a million pictures of you doing the exact same thing. but we don't care. we just love looking at your cute little face.

 

this month you got to attend your first sporting event. we took you to a minor league baseball game on labor day. you screamed the entire time. i felt basically like a total failure as the judgment stares rained down on me. but at the same time i felt pretty angry that people couldn't see that you were so amazing to me that you were worth all the screaming and confusion. you don't like being hot or in direct sunlight for prolonged periods. we learned that the hard way. that's okay.

 

at ten weeks old exactly you decided to roll from your back to your tummy. i wasn't at home to witness your big accomplishment but your daddy got a video. it took two more weeks for me to witness your new trick. but now you've got the hang of it and sometimes you think it's a game to roll over again and again for us. at thirteen weeks old exactly you rolled to your tummy and then rolled right back onto your back! twice! daddy was at work and i was too busy clapping for you to get a video. but i promise it happened.

 

you are totes obsessed with chewing on your hands and you've just recently discovered you have a tongue and you like to stick your tongue out at everything. basically you are a major drool puddle. we are pretty sure you are going to be a thumb or finger sucker, much to our dismay. and girlfriend, you want a blankie so bad you can't even stand it. 

 

you have slept through the night exactly two times. proving to us that you CAN do it but that you'd rather not. recently you've started waking up many times a night wanting to chew on your hands, be held, or eat. i'm pretty sure we could let you cry-it-out and you'd go back to sleep but there are limits to what we can bear.

 

being held is still your favorite but you also like alone time in your swing. you love watching tv even though we try to leave the tv off most of the time. as soon as it's on you're a little moth to a flame. you can full-on belly laugh, which always makes me laugh too. you smile back at people and your hair just gets longer and longer. you continue to be our little butterball and i call your thighs "christmas hams" because they just look so tasty that even your vegetarian mama could eat you up.

 

on a serious note, this has been a really hard month for our little family and i'm so glad you're small enough that you won't remember the hurt raking us across the coals. above all else, my baby panda, know that you are so loved by me, by your dad, and by so many other family and friends. you'll never be without love.

 

 

transformed

nine weeks ago i brought my tiny human home from the hospital. she was a bundle of jaundice, mixed up days and nights, screaming cries, and snuggly sleepiness. G and i were zombies, living off of love and the hope that someday soon we'd remember how to human. 

and i tried like mary to treasure up those precious first days in my heart. but at the same time i was wishing away the newborn stage. what no one tells you is that owning a pet is in no way like being a new parent. no amount of dog walking, house training, and remembering to feed and water your barking pal will provide you with the skills to survive night wakings every hour on the hour followed by 30 minutes of crying, by every human in the house. 

so you make it up as you go. i made a lot of mistakes. i got frustrated at my lack of ability. i threw parties for the smallest wins because they seemed like the biggest victories of my life. i prayed and prayed some more. and slowly and all too quickly the time passed and the #rowenugget got a little more predictable and i got a little more skilled in faking it until i made it. 

before i brought that tiny life into the world, one of my biggest fears was that i would lose myself and my own personal identity by becoming a mother. i'd no longer be my own person. i'd only be someone's mother. and in a lot of ways that's so true. especially in the first weeks, you lay everything you want and have at the alter of insanity and you just do whatever you can to eat, sleep, and shower while that baby sleeps. but instead of losing myself, i think the word i would use to describe motherhood is that it transforms you. i'm transformed. i'll never be the same person i was. and suddenly that's totally okay with me. because even though i still want to be myself and have my own identity and stuff and likes and dislikes i want to be the #rowenugget's mommy even more. 

if there is one thing that the transformation of mommy-dom has done it has been to shine a light on what really matters to me. my first calling is to my family - G, the #rowenugget, and the people i hold most dear. the second is to my ministry - serving at my church in tangible ways, serving with my life. and everything else is just part of lesser callings. not unimportant. just not the most important things. there's only a handful of days left before i return to my nine-to-five. and while i'm extremely grateful for a job that provides for our little family, i am especially sad to leave my little one. because she's part of that most important calling in my life. and gosh, i just want to spend every minute of the day squeezing her. 

so today i am just going to treasure her up in my heart. treasure up the days i've had and the days i have left and the days to come. treasure up those 3 am feedings, treasure up the cries. treasure up the way she plays with her hair just like her daddy when she's sleepy. treasure up each smile and snuggle.