honest

when i found out i was pregnant...well first i was pretty much devastated. pregnancy did not fit into my type "a" plans. but then my desire to control basically everything kicked in and i became super concerned with doing the right things the right ways. so obviously i assumed several things about the coming months. i would do everything in my power to gain as little weight as possible. i would make a plan and stick to it no matter what. i would enjoy the slow days of staying at home with my little human. i would nurse.

then life happened and i birthed a human and all my plans got turned upside down. 

i really thought that certain aspects of motherhood would come naturally to me because i am naturally pretty motherly. what i didn't consider was that i've considered nursing on my top 3 least favorite ideas for the entirety of my adult life. i totally forgot all my personal opinions as the "breast is best" propaganda infiltrated my plans for the #rowenugget. i wanted her to have the best possible nutrition that i could give her. i wanted all those bonding feelings that nursing is supposed to bring. i assumed that it would come naturally and that i would love it because i was her mother and that is how it was supposed to be. 

so imagine my disappointment when only days into the #rowenugget's life i was crying at the mere thought of nursing. nothing was going as i planned, least of all nursing. the harder i tried to enjoy it, the more frustrated i became. with myself. with my baby. with my body. i tearfully told G that i didn't think i could keep it up. i was literally dreading the time i spent with my baby nursing. it wasn't helping me bond. he lovingly suggested formula. which made me cry even more. shouldn't i want to keep nursing more than i wanted my body back? shouldn't i be willing to sacrifice my happiness for my daughter's nutrition? what kind of monster was i? 

plagued with guilt i kept going for two weeks. two weeks of crying onto my daughter's face multiple times a day. two weeks of feeling like motherhood wasn't meant for me. two weeks of dread. i had switched to "pumping exclusively" thinking that would give me the freedom and peace i was so desperately craving, but i hated that even more than nursing. i felt like the biggest failure in that target aisle picking out the organic formula and washing the bottles that weren't meant for use. 

i felt selfish. i felt sinful. i felt full of fear. i felt guilty. i felt ashamed. i was a failure. i was giving up on something that i was meant to do. i felt like i was failing my daughter. 

of course none of that is true. as G so kindly reminded me, our someday adopted child will be a formula baby and that doesn't mean i will love them any less. i was a formula baby and i'm perfectly healthy. and my desire to feed my baby well and enjoy my time with her is just as important as anything else. and being a happy and whole individual is important to be a good mother. nursing does not a mother make. 

i'm laying it all out there because when you google random bits to help you regain some sanity there's not a lot out there in the way of support for formula feeding. there's a lot of shaming. a lot of "hang in there, it gets better", and a lot of "do it even if you hate it". 

there are moments i'm still covered in guilt and shame for giving up on nursing. there are moments where i wish i could have hung in there...for her and for me. but that is not our story. and when i snuggle her close and feed her and stare at her beautiful face, i know i love her and that my decision was made in love. there isn't dread anymore. 

and there's this...

G doesn't have a lot of experience with babies. but he's found his way pretty easily. he changed the first diaper and has basically done everything and anything for the #rowenugget. but for the first two weeks he just had to watch me cry every time i fed her. the silver lining to my failure to nurse was the ability for G to feed her. and then he got to watch me feed her and smile for the first time while feeding her. and man, God showed us his goodness in the form of a Dr. Brown's bottle and a carton of The Honest Company formula. 

but more than a story about boobs versus bottles, this is a story of grace. whatever i face. whatever you face. God is there holding you, cheering you on, and guiding you to the right choice.