the gritty bits

let me take you back to a lovely spring day in 1987. big hair and man perms. the scene is jfk international. back when you could go and watch the planes come in just for fun. a crowded terminal, the anxiety so thick you can almost see it. and then the doors open and mothers are crying tears of joy and fathers are speechless and grandparents and aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters clap and cheer.

i flew all the way around the world to meet two strangers that i would eventually call mom and dad. it was glorious and terrifying and beautiful and chaotic. i was theirs. they were mine. the end. and since i wasn't even 6 full months old yet, it was assumed that i'd never know the difference. "it will be like she was always ours". and so it was.

except life is never that simple.

so in honor of my gotcha day - that day so long ago where i journeyed from the only home i knew to the only home i'd remember. i'm going to tell you about the gritty bits that get left out. because the hard days deserve a voice, as well.

i loved her. i loved the mother that gave me life and then abandoned me to an unknown fate. despite all logic, i loved her. i'd dream up a grown up version of myself and imagine the lines of her face, the warmth of her hug, the timbre of her voice. i'd never tell my mom because i knew it would break her heart. i knew she'd resent the love that couldn't belong to her. so i loved her in secret and time and time again the weight of abandonment would crush my heart. because it was our secret, mine and hers, that we loved each other. except i didn't really know if she loved me. because she left me. and i couldn't make those things marry.

...

i'm different from them in ways that can't be ignored. there are so many ways i am like my dad, anxious and nerdy, and my mom, headstrong and emotional. but i wear it in a totally different way. i have one brother that's a bio kid. the similarities he has with my parents are so striking you know immediately that he belongs to them. no one would ever think that about me. because i'm just different from them. i think, act, process, analyze, and feel in a way that is so me and so not them. some of this is born out of my sheer determination to be different, but some of it is simply the result of genes and biology and science-y things that are beyond my everyday vocabulary.

...

when i was younger, i desperately wanted to look like i belonged to my family. being an asian kid in a house full of white folks isn't so bad, until you have to leave said house and venture out into the unrelenting stares from strangers. does she speak english? who does she belong to? how much did she cost? what is she? all questions that maybe were spoken out of curiosity but even as a young child, were like daggers right through my heart. i grew up with constant reminders that my piece of the puzzle just didn't fit for most people. i didn't belong

...

some days it's still hard. trying to answer questions about a medical history that doesn't exist. pondering what my newborn will look like when i don't even know what i looked like. growing up doesn't mean the questions eventually fade away. if anything it feels like the questions have gotten harder, my identity more complex. there is her, the orphan baby, and there is me, the daughter of the people i call "mom" and "dad", the wife of G, the mother of the #rowenugget. but don't tell me that orphan baby isn't important. because she is me. and her story matters even if it is unknowable.

...

in the hardest moments i cling to the Gospel, remembering that i am fully known by the Creator of the universe. there is not a moment of my life unknown to him. and he loved me every moment. he loves me now in my doubt and fear. he planned the complicated, beautiful, messy, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful story of my life. he planned for me to have multiple people i would know as mother and father so that he could remind me that he is all i need to satisfy my longing for love. because he is love.

adoption, like most good things in life, is hard. but oh, it's so worth it.

week 28

first, let me just say that it's no lie that the second trimester of pregnancy is magical. it's like fairies have sprinkled all the good feelings on you and you just can't believe that something so foreign could feel so good.

which leads me to the beginning of the third trimester. suddenly things that were just somewhat bothersome now seem impossible. bending at the waist? ha! walking long distances? i can't. sleep? what's that? in other words, the last trimester feels strangely similar to the first trimester except that instead of feeling bloated for no good reason, you feel like you have eaten at least a dozen bricks.

i did drag my pillowy azz to the gym this week where i took 30 minutes to wog a mere 2.5 miles. this is third trimester pregnancy success. i felt like i had just tackled goliath and won. and i was waddling. it was a waddling wog.

however, even though i've been pretty uncomfortable like 85% of every moment of my life the last two weeks, i still feel so incredibly grateful. me and G have been blessed with a healthy pregnancy and good reports on the #rowenugget every step of the way. so good that sometimes i want to double check because it just seems like things are going too smoothly.

in other news, i am back to only being able to eat a little bit at a time. no i am not binge eating. it literally takes me 2 hours to consume an entire meal. also, the #rowenugget loves to move and my gut instinct would like to think she's finally shifting from breach to her head down position. last night there was this huge hard bulge that had to be her head and it was weird, people. weird.



baby size: 14-15 inches "head to heel" and 2-2.5 pounds, the size of an eggplant!

weight gain: 15 lbs.

craving: no particular cravings lately.

can't even: the waddling. it's like when you've had one sip too many of the adult beverages and suddenly each step you take seems important. that's how it feels to be largely pregnant and not waddle.

loving: imagining what she looks like. sometimes i imagine she looks like me, sometimes i imagine she looks like G. but i can't really fathom what our half panda looks like and i can't wait to find out.

week 27

so weeks 24-25 were pretty much the best ever. i mean. sleep is elusive and laying down is still pretty much THE WORST. but for a solid two weeks i was all like, "aww this isn't so bad" and "i love that she's so safe and warm in my tummy". in a moment of weakness i even mentioned to G that i might someday be willing to venture down this road again.

fear not. it was just a phase. i'm back to being ambivilent about pregnancy on the best day and totally over it on the reg. i credit this to all of you and your big mouths. lately all anyone can talk about is how round, large, big, and pregnant i look. thank you, people of the world, for pointing out to me on a daily basis that i am "way bigger" than i was a few short weeks ago. i love being told i'm fat, don't you?

forgive me, father if i have ever commented to a pregnant lady on the size of her bump. save me from future transgressions of the same. i have learned my lesson tenfold.

since i haven't exactly been on the top of my game with posting, how about a quick 2 week recap?

at 26 weeks, the #rowenugget was 13.5-14.5 inches "head to heel" and 1.5-2 pounds, the size of a head of lettuce!

 

 

baby size: this week, we are only marginally larger still at about 13.5-14.5 inches "head to heel" and at 2 pounds(ish), the size of a head a cauliflower.

also of note, this is the beginning of the end! hello, final trimester! this week the baby is considered viable, meaning she could live outside the womb (although not without a lot of complications and risk). her heart rate remains pretty speedy, further perpetuating the notion that girl nuggets have faster heart rates than boy nuggets. she was a cool 145 bpm last week at the doctor.

speaking of hearts, my little heart has been quite tender as of late. basically, everything hurts my feelings and makes me cry/whine/cry some more. so if you happen to witness me randomly burst into tears, don't worry. it's totes cool.



weight gain: 13-14 lbs.

craving: i still prefer sweet to salty most of the time, which remains the total opposite of my normal non-pregnant self.

can't even: greeting me with "wow!" instead of "hello" "hey you" or any other normal person greeting. note: the exclamation is usually accompanied by eyes the size of plates transfixed on my middle region.

loving: watching G transform from normal dude into overprotective dad. sometimes this falls into the "can't even" category because it feels like he's transforming into MY overprotective dad. but he loves our little nugget and wants the very best for her.

week 23

so a few weeks ago i broke down and purchased a few items of materntiy clothing. even though i can still wear my belly band and get by with most of my looser fitting tops and empire waist dresses, they just do not fit comfortably. also, maternity pants gently lure you into the belief that maybe all pants should have elastic waists and room for dessert.

but then yesterday i tried on this fitted dress and immediately burst into laughter to keep from bursting into tears. i look like i have swallowed a soccer ball. fo realz.

also... the nugget is a GIRL!

if you had asked me for my true gut instinct over whether the nugget was man or lady, i would have said girl the whole time. something inside me just gave me this feeling of peace that "it" was a "she". however, i desperately wanted it to be a boy. because G really wanted a son to share his genes and maybe his looks and that's a hard thing for me to really understand fully. but he wanted it so i wanted it for him.

i felt like a giant failure to have to face him across the table and stare at a poorly rendered image of our daughter's lady bits. so i think maybe it was good that we waited a few weeks to tell people because now i can say without any reservation, we are so happy she's a she. it just feels right.

we hosted a small gathering for our immediate families to announce our lady nugget and her name. it all feels so real now. we mostly call her by her name and sometimes when she wants to throw a dance party at bedtime i jiggle the belly and tell her to settle down.

baby size: i have personally never seen a grapefruit with a diameter of almost 12 inches but apparently they exist. hoping she's still closer to the 13 oz. range than 20 oz.

weight gain: 9-10 lbs. blah. my goal of staying under 130 is slipping farther and farther away.

craving: lately i've been drinking juice to make the nugget dance.

can't even: have i mentioned that i'm in a wedding in may? see weight gain and clothing discussion points to understand my tension over fitting into a bridesmaid dress that was ordered before the bump was loud and proud.

loving: the second half of the second trimester has been smooth sailing. except for feeling totally uncomfortable when lying down, i have been really blessed with good health and very few negative symptoms.

week 21

this week i experienced my first unsolicited belly rub. ohmigosh. can i please get all the stickers and cookies because i wanted to slap the lady so bad but refrained? i mean seriously. i feel this is a noteworthy accomplishment.

on a similar note. i finally am feeling movement of the nugget. mostly i have to be sitting/laying down and very still to feel anything. but there are definite things happening that can only be described as a person doing backflips inside of you. G was even able to feel the belly move one time.

it is also becoming practically impossible for me to resist the impulse to refer to the #rowenugget by the gender. we are telling our immediate families this weekend so after saturday we'll be able to say "him" or "her" to errbody.

obviously there is no hiding the bulge. except sometimes it could still be mistaken for plain old fatness. especially because i believe that my hips and my face are joining the plump party. at the gym i want to be like, "i'm not just fat!" and "i'm exercising while pregnant, excuse my twenty pee breaks!". because regardless of what the commercials say, it is not a judgment free zone.

on a serious note, in general i am really struggling with gaining weight/looking large and in charge. it is not my favorite aspect of pregnancy by any means. i know some women really love looking pregnant and having a round belly. i just want to be like a size 2 forevvvaaa. and it's basically crushing my dreams and bringing to light all my control issues to have to let that go.

baby size: the internet becomes more and more inconsistent. anywhere from 7ish-10ish inches "head to heel" and 10-13 ounces.

weight gain: according to the gym scale, which is notorious for its inaccuracy, i have gained about 7-8 pounds total

craving: the only thing i want on the reg is ice cream. however, i'm not eating ice cream every day so i consider this nutrition success.

can't even: birth. i mean. i don't want to do it. like not even remotely excited about it.

loving: calling the nugget by name. it is seriously starting to feel like a decent and lovable human being instead of a vindictive alien.

week 20

can you believe that it is already halfway to baby day? i cannot. furthermore, the "baby's room" still has a full size bed in it. oh ya. and my shoes and G's clothes filling the closet.

we are soooo on top of things.

sometimes i truly feel like i'm just getting fat. there are no flutters, bubbles, or internal movements that could possibly be the nugget. speaking of. if you are a stranger. or a man. please. do not touch the belly. it's flubby and there's nothing exciting happening that warrants you rubbing your germy hands on me.

sleeping is starting to be a chore. it's hard to get comfortable. it's impossible to stay asleep. this has resulted in a cranky mood, short temper, and a bizarre desire to cry. i am not one of those awesome people that can run off of 3 hours of sleep and be pleasant. watch out for me when i'm living with a newborn. it might be dangerous.

despite the flub and lack of sleep, i am feeling pretty good these days. eating is fun again and i've been working out on a semi-regular basis. G wishes with everything inside of him that i would cancel my gym membership and "relax" but seriously. running is so horrible and amazing at the same time. i can't help myself.

baby size: this week we start measuring the baby "head to heel" instead of "head to rump". "head to rump" we're about the size of banana (6ish inches) and 10.5 ounces. from "head to heel" about 10 inches.

weight gain: i am sure that i have gained more. but i don't go back to the doctor for a couple of weeks.

craving: i believe i am out of the hangry cravings. but savory foods are still kind of iffy (read: utterly disgusting) and sweet foods are more tasty (which is totally opposite to how i normally am).

can't even: spending money on maternity clothes. you got me by the belly, gap maternity, i have to buy the ugly maternity clothes or go naked. but i don't have to like it. not to say i want to go naked. i do not want that.

loving: the time left of just me and G. i'm actually pretty sad to say goodbye to the days of two humans and two fur babies.

week 18

in week 16 i was all like, wow, i am looking so pregnant.

ha.

then week 17 hit and suddenly my pants felt two sizes too small and the belly band became a necessity.

this week the rowe nugget is making their presence known to anyone whose eyes divert from my face to my wasitline during conversation. i have one pair of pants left i can button and not feel like i'm going to die. i cried tears of joy at this discovery.

 

i know, i know. i look so overjoyed at my growing womb.

i've also had some rando cramping, aches and pains which i hear are totes normal. the only really strange "pregnancy symptom" i have left is the constant gagging while brushing my teeth. i literally can't even. on a similar note, please lord jesus, let me sleep through the night.

baby size: from "head to rump" around 5.5 inches and 6.5 ounces, the size of a sweet potato

*sidebar-vegetables and fruits come in all shapes and sizes so really what is the true size of a sweet potato?

weight gain: 4 pounds. thus sayeth the scale at the doctor's office

craving: the cravings are pretty much over. except every now and then i think I NEED ICE CREAM SO BAD. usually i can ward off this feeling for at least 3 days.

can't even: the comments. yes, i am pregnant. yes, i am working through pregnancy. yes, i am taking maternity leave. yes, i know i look fat. thank you, everyone. just thank you.

loving: we find out if the rowe nugget is a sir or a miss this week!