eleven months

no. this can't be happening. it simply is not one month until your birthday. it can't be. it's too soon. i'm not ready. i want to stay a panda baby mom a little while longer. i'm ill-equipped to be a panda toddler mom.

you are gorgeous. we can't stop looking at you. your pale porcelain skin. your big dark chocolaty brown eyes. your full head of soft brown hair. the little gap in between your front teeth. every single thing about you is perfect because it's you. in a sea of pandas we'd know you anywhere.

the force is strong within you, young one. the force to be heard. you have such a strong little will. and any hope that you'd be mild mannered and quiet are long gone. instead of taming you i view my job as helping you learn the fine art of self-control. it will take everything you have to reign that will of yours in. but you can do it. be wild and free, little one. just don't run over people in the process.

you love to give hugs and kisses to everyone and everything. except mommy and daddy. we try not to take personal offense to this. until that one day you repeatedly kissed the picture of the african american lady on the junk mail flyer. i mean, she was smiling and looked so friendly so i kind of understood. but seriously. i'm yo mama. doesn't that count for anything around here? maybe?

your favorite things are: ming panda. your blanket. strawberries. toys. walks outside. music. taking selfies. trying to walk (by yourself because ain't nobody got time for holding mommy's hands).

the truth is...it's taken every bit of sanity and grit your mom and pops have to get you to this point. we've made a lot of mistakes. we'll make a lot more. but i want you to know, i'll always tell you i'm sorry. i'll always get my hands dirty to help you learn. i'll do my very best. and it won't be perfect and sometimes it will be hard and messy. but it'll be doused in love.

for the next thirty days let's soak it up. let's cuddle til we can't any more. let's rock to sleep and drink as many bottles as you want. let's give one more kiss and then one more. because i'll never regret holding you a little longer or kissing your chubby cheek one more time. i'll never regret filling myself so full of the baby moments because i know i'll never get these days with you again.

ten months

it just doesn't seem real, little panda, that we've known you for ten months. you are so very different from that squishy screaming bundle we brought home from the hospital. i miss her all the time. that little tiny thing that i could scoop up with one hand. the one that never wanted to be set down. but not your daddy. he adores this new and larger you. the one who crawls and babbles and laughs at her own jokes. the one who reaches for us and gives us slobber kisses.

this month you seemed less like a baby and more like a toddler. you understand when we tell you no or that you're being naughty. you make a big sad face at us or throw a toddler sized fit. you like to tell us when you want something by pointing and babbling. you mimic sounds we make and you seem to understand the beginnings of real language. you can drink from your straw cup like a champ and you finally finally can get food bits from your tray to your mouth.

early in the month you decided to break the winning streak of healthy and fall prey to the awful stomach virus. puke for days. literally. but in the midst of lysol-ing every surface and washing errrthing we snuggled and mommy got a taste of that little baby. silver linings. by nature, you are not super cuddlesome. but sick panda? she's all about the snuggles. and we were happy to oblige. daddy followed your lead and also got all the sickness. it was a tough little stretch. but even in the hardest moments i was so thankful to know what you would get better and we would have healthier days soon.

you are just incredibly spoiled. we've really tried to work on this but hot dang it's so hard. you are just so stinkin' cute to us and it's so easy to give such a beauty her every whim. but for real. no one wants you to grow up and be the entitled rude bratty child. least of all me. so we're working on it. slowly.

little panda, you are just so loved. you are beautiful and funny. you laugh at all your own jokes. you are so very sassy and so very sweet. you love your mommy and daddy most but you're also quite fond of your aunt joni and aunt sara. i could eat your entire face because it's just so delicious looking. and baby girl, you'll never have to search farther than my arms for love and acceptance.

nine months

nine months. this past month has been such a big growing and changing month for you, little panda. i can't believe what a big girl you are. i still miss that squishy newborn face and the tiny cries that were so loud i didn't understand how they came out of such a small body. but i'm so proud of you and all the things you've learned recently.

you started crawling at the beginning of march. i truly thought you'd crawl sooner but you're so spoiled and me and daddy still carry you around the house most of the time. but you started at a new daycare and the two babies there were on the move when you arrived and i guess you're not one to get left behind in the fray. a few days after you started crawling i noticed that you could pull up to your knees. and a week after that you started pulling up to stand. standing. i can't even bear it.

you are opinionated. like your daddy. (side eye). or like me. but i like to think you get all your glowing personality traits from me and your stinkerness from him. it seems only fair. you've always expressed your displeasure at activities that are not to your particular standards. but now you throw fits when you don't get your way. like real temper tantrums. i pity the fool that has to live with toddler you. oh wait. that's me.

the truth is your daddy had like one hundred teeth as a boy child and looked like a shark with rows of teeth. rows, girlfriend. every day i'm afraid that although you look just like me, you're going to get all yo daddy's teeth. at nine months you already have 4 teeth. three on the bottom and one of your front teeth. and you're working on your second front tooth. sweet little #rowenugget, i hope that all these early teeth isn't an omen. but if it is, we won't leave you looking like a shark. i promise.

panda pup, you are so fun to be around right now. i'm not going to lie. it's probably due in large part to you sleeping a little better and a little longer. happier family members all around. including you. you are constantly laughing, smiling, and hamming it up for anyone who will spare you a glance. your daddy is especially in love with you right now. there are daily arguments over whose turn it is to carry you around or play with you. apparently sharing you isn't our jam.

in harder news, we got a taste of our first real "stank face" as a family. and mommy's all messed up over it. mommy is really really proud to be from such a diverse family. and i hope that you grow up to be proud of your biracial beauty-ness. because dang honey, you are beautiful. just know the mean looks and whispers aren't about you. it's because people don't understand that love doesn't have to stick "to its own kind". you are so worthy of love. and it doesn't have anything to do with how beautiful you are.

you are the bright spot in our day. the apple of our eye. so squishable and cuddly and yet so strong and adventurous. you smile and wave and say "bah bah" ("bye bye") and almost every old person has to resist the urge to touch you all over your face. we are so proud to be your mama and papa.

eight months

panda babe,

lately, i can't help but constantly think about how blessed we are that you have had such a healthy little life so far. even though teething has been really tough for you, you've been a champ. the only sickness you've suffered is a minor cold. you've yet to have a fever and other than your super sensitive skin you are just the healthiest little chub ever. there are so many other mommies and daddies out there with babes that are desperate for healing. sometimes the only cure is heaven. your health is a gift from God, little one. don't ever take it for granted.

you are finally a mama's girl. you say mama and beg to be held. you continue to be the most highly co-dependent baby, which your daddy says you get from yours truly. but i don't care. it just means we get all the snuggles while daddy has to sit by his lonesome. you also say dada and it's pretty obvious that you actually understand that those are our names. i think you also make a tsk sound to mean #jamesthekitty. but let's face it. mama is finally your favorite and that's all that matters.

knock on wood. it is getting easier to take you places. for a long time, adventures in public turned into epic disasters where we'd have to leave early and then hole up for weeks for fear the uncontrollable screaming would recommence. this is not an exaggeration. but recently we've been getting comments like, is she always this good? which just feels like we've reached the pinnacle of parenting success. keep it up, #rowenugget! i mean....you still like to keep us on our toes with the random fit to remind us that you are a diva. but in general, you're happy and sweet.

we are so in love with you. the way you laugh at yourself. your fear of beards. morning smiles that make us feel like we've just seen a shooting star. how you try to contribute to conversations with your baby babble. watching you zoom in your walker and splash in your bath. slobber kisses and neck hugs. you are the best person in our family.

newbie

now that i'm on the downward slide toward one year as a human mommy i feel i've departed from the newborn sleeplessness enough to share the one to two nuggets of information i've gleaned during these last few months.

...

boobs. why does everyone want to talk about your boobs right after your birth a human? i know breastfeeding is a hot topic right now. but it is just startling that so many people (men included here) feel the need to start a dialogue about boobs in general conversation. are you breastfeeding? followed up by how's it going? or why not? has your milk come in? gross. tmi. and etcetera.  if you really want to start a conversation about my body parts post partum, how about asking me how my lady bits are holding up after the bomb called natural birth went off. just kidding. in reality i don't want to talk about my body parts at all. pleaseandthankyou.

beware of the desire to compare. in the very beginning i worried all the time that i was a complete failure at life if my #rowenugget didn't do the same glorious things as all the other babies. i'm learning it's okay that she does things in her own time. she's a crappy sleeper but has defined emotions. she rolled early and is going to crawl late. she waves and high fives and says dada but still doesn't have a strong pincher grasp. truthfully i'm finding that it's a reflection of us as parents more than it is about her development. i see my own success and failure in her. and that's just too great a burden for one tiny baby to bear. she's her own person with her own story to tell. so back off, mom.

please don't judge. nothing makes you feel like the best parent in the world more than someone else's kid losing it in a public place while they look on with sheer terror and defeat. i get it. but i've also been that mom with the baby that has attempted to redefine the term public humiliation. that is not the time for you, mom with perfect child, to make snide comments about how your children NEVER act like that. nor is it the time for you, mom holding it together with screaming child, to listen to such graceless remarks. just go home, pour another glass of wine and enjoy the bach. everything is better in the light of the tv as roses are handed out in a completely arbitrary manner.

snuggle that baby all you want. or don't. but either way keep your mouth shut. pre-baby i had all of these ideals i thought were non-negotiable. i believed all those newborn training people that say it's a disservice to coddle your baby...that they'll grow up to be entitled and co-dependent. and then all my psychology training came back to me and i actually met the #rowenugget. as it turns out she doesn't have an independent bone in her body. she's fearless and full of adventure. but she wants to experience all of that from the comfort of her mama or daddy's arms. so we snuggle her and tote her around and don't let her "cry it out". if you do the opposite that's amazing and i'm glad you're also doing what you feel is best for your smallest person.

and finally and perhaps most controversially, working moms have it harder than anyone on planet earth gives them credit for. there's a big resurgence in the belief that working moms don't love their kids as much as SAHMoms. and i get it. because i wish i could spend my days with the panda doing panda activities and watching her sleep and all those other awesome things. but i can't. and it seems grossly unfair to her. and i feel guilty all the time. but listen. i'm doing what's best for our family as a whole. and it seems pretty harsh that i have to live in a defensive posture because i work and every other family with a stay at home parent sees me as the villain. you do your thang and i'll do mine. but don't say my life is easier than the stay at home mom. it's not. i promise you.

 

i may never get a full night's sleep again. i may really start to believe in the healing power of yoga pants and large gulps of wine. i may be THAT mom who thinks my baby is cuter, smarter, and way more fun than any little human you produce. but what i've learned the most, what i'm holding to tighter than so many other things is that we've got to cheer each other on. parent, someday parent, or i don't ever want to be a parent. let's speak encouragement and lift each other up. mmmkkkk?

seven months

my little love,
i can hardly comprehend how quickly we are barreling towards your first birthday. every day seems like a milestone. i constantly find myself just trying to hang on to the moment for just a moment longer because i know i'm going to blink and you'll be five. your daddy scolds me because he thinks i don't want to you to grow up but the truth is, i just want to hang on to these baby days just a few days more.

since we are rebels and the american academy of pediatrics' ban on walkers is meaningless to us, we let you trot around in your walker all the time. you love this activity almost as much as cuddling and sometimes maybe even more. you follow us room to room and play bumper cars with anything in your way, including our ankles and the dog. as a result of the walker, you are really good at assisted walking but crawling continues to be the thorn in your side. you want to, you understand the basic mechanics, you just cannot get your chubby little limbs to cooperate. one day, panda girl. just keep trying.

in typical new parent/first child fashion, i am extremely picky about what you eat. i'm that person. "oh, she doesn't eat grains and we only feed her organic and non-gmo." i also somehow convinced your daddy that you'd be vegetarian until your first birthday. i'm telling you this because someday, if you have a younger sibling, they'll probably be allowed to eat cheez-its as soon as they can suck on a cracker and it will seem massively unfair that at that point and time it will also be your first cheez-it as well. it's not fair. but you're the first and thus you are our guinea pig.

you are finally starting to love me as much as you love your daddy. you are still a daddy's girl and no one can make you laugh like him. but there are some days when you just want your mama and daddy isn't cutting it. hashtag favorite parent wars. you'll probably always be a daddy's girl but the fact that i'm even in the race gives me all the feelings. i feel sorry for boyfriends of the distant future because daddy will always be a panda daddy and those days will most certainly be some of the most embarrassing of your life. because we love you. duh.

panda girl, i don't care if you grow up to be valedictorian of an ivy league, i just want you to be intelligent and use your smarts for good in this world. i don't care if you grow up to be rich, i just want you to be generous. i don't care if you grow up to be a stunning beauty (even though i know you will), i just never want you to use your beauty to make others feel inferior. i want you to be kind. i want you to see the needs of others. i want you to be humble. i want you to be thankful. you've got it all, baby girl. the world is your little oyster. and your daddy and i would lasso the moon and give it to you with a pretty pink ribbon if we could. but most of all, we want you to love jesus, know his love, and love like he does.

six months

panda girl, you have turned into a full-of-personality person.

you don't really care if you're an expert at anything but you want to try everything. i joke that you are going to be an amateur at everything and master of nothing. you are an excellent rolling wonder but you are too busy trying to sit, crawl, stand, and talk simultaneously to really settle down and learn any one new trick. where i am careful and dry, you are impetuous and outgoing like your daddy.

at 26 weeks old exactly you sprouted your first tooth. and honey child. we have been battling the sleeplessness and teething rage like whoa. somehow in all this craziness your weary parents have retained some semblance of humanity but only just. be kind to us in the new year.

"weaning" you off of anything is really a pointless endeavor and it's amazing that i continue to devote so much thought and time to such a meaningless task. you are already over the bottle and only continue to drink it because my will remains just strong enough to subdue you. food, however, is your jam and you are all about it. i really think you are weaning us off the bottle. also, you went cold turkey on the swaddle. we kept the swaddle forevvvaaa because flailing about. i tried to slowly work you off the swaddle but you find delicate weaning confusing and irritating and so finally we went cold turkey and just like that you are no longer a swaddle baby.

you are however a blanket baby and a lovey baby. i invite anyone who thinks i'm a bad parent for giving you these nighttime miracle items in the crib to spend the night with us and rock your screaming form for hours to not avail. please. i beg you.

you like people. you made it through the holidays like a champ. you are obviously a spoiled only child who gets toted about and cuddled all ze time. but you handled being passed around to rando people and schedule chaos like a champ. i mean, you'll probably never sleep 10 hours straight but at this point who's counting. you smiled and cooed and let people smother you with all their christmas joy.

speaking of christmas, i can't even tell you how christmas with a baby gave me all the feels. i've never been so exhausted during christmas break and yet so overwhelmingly happy. you are not old enough to understand presents or the "reason for the season" but you pulled at wrapping paper and sat with us while we opened your gifts and played with some of your toys. but mostly you sat there and let us squeeze you right to the point of insanity and gush over your beauty and our good fortune.

i am already embarrassingly proud of you. i do a decent job of refraining from posting a million blurry phone photos to the internets but it doesn't stop me from taking them. i find you to be heartbreakingly beautiful, hilarious, and extremely charismatic. i realize i am extremely biased and that my love for you is sickeningly sweet but panda, you are amazeballs and i can't get enough.

it's so bittersweet watching you grow. i love each new phase and yet miss all those moments that are gone forever. please slow your {thigh} rolls from all the growing. i mean...keep growing. just not so stinkin' fast. i just can't.

you are loved so deep and so wide. and i'm just so thankful that you're mine.

five months

little pup, i can hardly believe that you are five months old today. you can do so many things that make me so proud and so sad at the same time. you can pick up objects, play with them, and then set them back down. you've started throwing your toys out of reach and on to the floor so that your daddy or i have to get them for you. you are an expert roller when it comes to going from your back to your belly. you don't really care to roll from your belly to your back although you know how and it is clearly easier for you. instead, when you are tired of being on your tummy you fuss and wait for someone to flip you over.

also, much to my dismay, we started real food the weekend after thanksgiving. i really really really wanted to hold off a little longer, but girl, you were hangry. you'd look and stare so longingly at food any time we ate around you. sometimes you'd even open your mouth like a baby bird, as if it say, "feed me!" your very first bite was fresh avocado. it was not your jam. but you practiced "chewing" and swallowing and i would call it a success. your second bite was butternut squash with cinnamon and you loved that. you'd smile when you saw the spoon coming for you and open up your mouth just waiting for it.

you are getting much better with crowds although you'd prefer to have someone familiar to you holding you. i get it. i don't like strangers pawing all over me either. but you are polite enough to smile at people when they make ridiculous faces at you and talk in the highest, squeakiest voice audible to the human ear. but your politeness comes from daddy and you're definitely a southern sweetie. you don't have much of mommy's new jersey sass. yet.

this month has been incredibly busy. time with the three of us all together has been at an incredible premium and sweetie, i'm so sorry there's not more of it. but we make the most of what we get.

we celebrated my 29th birthday. i can't even. we celebrated your very first thanksgiving at home with a big meal. that you didn't get to enjoy. womp womp. we spent time with family and friends. and now, somehow, it is christmastime. we went and got your very first christmas tree and we watched christmas movies and listened to christmas music while we decorated the tree. 

right now your favorite things are: being carried around. looking at your hands. rolling. watching tv (so sue me. i let my baby watch tv sometimes). music (you LOVE music). being surprised by funny faces (sometimes this is also terrifying). 

pet peeves: the inability to crawl (you can crawl exactly one pace before you give up). strangers. sleeping through the night.

my favorite things are: your big brown eyes. the chubbiness (rolls errwhere). your giggle when you're really happy. your serious face. and cuddling you when you're sleepy.

this has been a really hard season for us. for me. i can't believe that five years ago i had just met your daddy. i had no idea we would get married. i just thought he was just a hot southern man. i can't believe a year ago i had just found out i was pregnant. girlfriend, it was devastating news. i really didn't think i had the you-know-what to grow and expel a human. but here you are, the very best part of our life. and i'm so thankful that on the toughest days i can look at your sweet little face. God knew what i'd need...you. i would have never believed it. but you are the grace of God in a little chubby package. we love you.

four months

little panda,

you are no longer our sleepy little newborn. you are a full-of-sass baby! you love to squeal, gargle your spit, and sit up (with help). you also decided you are too good for room temperature bottles and prefer your milk nicely warmed or else you will spit it all over us.

daddy went out of town very briefly this month, which meant mommy was able to take you to the nursery at church. you were perfectly content with all the other little people there and didn't seem to mind being left with strangers for an hour. i hope this is a good omen for daycare because honestly...i'm dreading the daycare days with everything i have. i'm just not ready for you to spend all day every day at daycare and not at home. somebody hold ME! the mommy can't deal.

you have turned into such a happy little puppy and i finally understand why people are crazy enough to have multiple children. i'm all like let's go back to the zombie days to have that tiny baby back! jay kay. those days were tuff. i mean, child, your first months of life were so hard and exhausting and every day felt like i was barely scraping by. but we're best buds now and no one wants to ruin that. and you are just so fun to be around. 

on the other hand, i'm still thinking that you might be our only tiny baby and so it's been really hard for me to watch you grow up. i daydream about when you can talk and walk and do big kid things with me. but hot dang, i just want to cuddle your tiny body forever. hashtag thigh rolls for prez.

your chubbiness has made you a pretty strong baby and i won't be surprised if you're an early crawler and early walker. you are also proof that biracial babies are THE BEST LOOKING people ever.  i'm serious. tiger woods being the exception to that rule. your daddy continues to be your favorite person to look at. he's also the best at getting you to laugh. you like being active and doing your own thang sometimes but when you're sleepy you still love snuggles and quiet time rocking. bedtime, which used to be the bane of your short existence, is now your favorite time of day. except baths. you love a bath. i don't know if it's the nakedness or the splashing or what. but a bath can solve any problem you've got. 

you are smart, sometimes serious, sometimes giggly, opinionated, determined, and absolutely gorgeous. 

three months

little puppy, you are three months old and so much fun to be around. i can't believe we are already saying goodbye to the newborn days. you have turned your daddy and i into those annoying people that take a million pictures of you doing the exact same thing. but we don't care. we just love looking at your cute little face.

 

this month you got to attend your first sporting event. we took you to a minor league baseball game on labor day. you screamed the entire time. i felt basically like a total failure as the judgment stares rained down on me. but at the same time i felt pretty angry that people couldn't see that you were so amazing to me that you were worth all the screaming and confusion. you don't like being hot or in direct sunlight for prolonged periods. we learned that the hard way. that's okay.

 

at ten weeks old exactly you decided to roll from your back to your tummy. i wasn't at home to witness your big accomplishment but your daddy got a video. it took two more weeks for me to witness your new trick. but now you've got the hang of it and sometimes you think it's a game to roll over again and again for us. at thirteen weeks old exactly you rolled to your tummy and then rolled right back onto your back! twice! daddy was at work and i was too busy clapping for you to get a video. but i promise it happened.

 

you are totes obsessed with chewing on your hands and you've just recently discovered you have a tongue and you like to stick your tongue out at everything. basically you are a major drool puddle. we are pretty sure you are going to be a thumb or finger sucker, much to our dismay. and girlfriend, you want a blankie so bad you can't even stand it. 

 

you have slept through the night exactly two times. proving to us that you CAN do it but that you'd rather not. recently you've started waking up many times a night wanting to chew on your hands, be held, or eat. i'm pretty sure we could let you cry-it-out and you'd go back to sleep but there are limits to what we can bear.

 

being held is still your favorite but you also like alone time in your swing. you love watching tv even though we try to leave the tv off most of the time. as soon as it's on you're a little moth to a flame. you can full-on belly laugh, which always makes me laugh too. you smile back at people and your hair just gets longer and longer. you continue to be our little butterball and i call your thighs "christmas hams" because they just look so tasty that even your vegetarian mama could eat you up.

 

on a serious note, this has been a really hard month for our little family and i'm so glad you're small enough that you won't remember the hurt raking us across the coals. above all else, my baby panda, know that you are so loved by me, by your dad, and by so many other family and friends. you'll never be without love.

 

 

transformed

nine weeks ago i brought my tiny human home from the hospital. she was a bundle of jaundice, mixed up days and nights, screaming cries, and snuggly sleepiness. G and i were zombies, living off of love and the hope that someday soon we'd remember how to human. 

and i tried like mary to treasure up those precious first days in my heart. but at the same time i was wishing away the newborn stage. what no one tells you is that owning a pet is in no way like being a new parent. no amount of dog walking, house training, and remembering to feed and water your barking pal will provide you with the skills to survive night wakings every hour on the hour followed by 30 minutes of crying, by every human in the house. 

so you make it up as you go. i made a lot of mistakes. i got frustrated at my lack of ability. i threw parties for the smallest wins because they seemed like the biggest victories of my life. i prayed and prayed some more. and slowly and all too quickly the time passed and the #rowenugget got a little more predictable and i got a little more skilled in faking it until i made it. 

before i brought that tiny life into the world, one of my biggest fears was that i would lose myself and my own personal identity by becoming a mother. i'd no longer be my own person. i'd only be someone's mother. and in a lot of ways that's so true. especially in the first weeks, you lay everything you want and have at the alter of insanity and you just do whatever you can to eat, sleep, and shower while that baby sleeps. but instead of losing myself, i think the word i would use to describe motherhood is that it transforms you. i'm transformed. i'll never be the same person i was. and suddenly that's totally okay with me. because even though i still want to be myself and have my own identity and stuff and likes and dislikes i want to be the #rowenugget's mommy even more. 

if there is one thing that the transformation of mommy-dom has done it has been to shine a light on what really matters to me. my first calling is to my family - G, the #rowenugget, and the people i hold most dear. the second is to my ministry - serving at my church in tangible ways, serving with my life. and everything else is just part of lesser callings. not unimportant. just not the most important things. there's only a handful of days left before i return to my nine-to-five. and while i'm extremely grateful for a job that provides for our little family, i am especially sad to leave my little one. because she's part of that most important calling in my life. and gosh, i just want to spend every minute of the day squeezing her. 

so today i am just going to treasure her up in my heart. treasure up the days i've had and the days i have left and the days to come. treasure up those 3 am feedings, treasure up the cries. treasure up the way she plays with her hair just like her daddy when she's sleepy. treasure up each smile and snuggle.