one month

my little panda

your first month of life was maybe one of the hardest months of my life ever. you made me rethink everything i thought i knew. about myself. about my life. you have not been an easy baby. you fight naps like it's your job. you wake up multiple times a night and won't go back to sleep. you fuss and cry for no reason and leave me totally clueless. but sweetie, you are so worth it. you are worth every minute of lost sleep. every moment of confusion. you are worth all the self-doubt, the worrying, the late nights and early mornings.

you love to be snuggled. you've loved snuggles since day one. you don't mind when people besides mom and dad cuddle you because you just love to be cuddled. you must get that from your dad because i'm not the snuggle bug in this family.

this week you've been so awake. the newborn sleepiness is definitely fading fast. you just stare at me with your big brown eyes. sometimes i don't say anything and just stare back at you and sometimes i sing you little songs and tell you all sorts of mind-numbing things. but you never seem to mind.

we've been reading you a story from your jesus storybook bible every night before bed. then your dad and i judge whether or not it was decent and true to the "real bible". then we hold you and pray for a little bit of sleep. and for your heart to love Jesus.

sometimes in the middle of the night, when i want to cry i'm so tired and you just want to be rocked forever and never actually fall asleep, you give me a little sleepy giggle. your dad has yet to experience the sleepy giggle but it is basically the best gift for your sleep-deprived mother. more of those wouldn't hurt your case, especially at 3 am.

i know the days will get easier. and you'll sleep more. and you'll need me less. and as much as i long for those days i'll miss these days. the slow days with lots of cuddles and sleepy sighs and squishy newborn-ness. it's already been a month and i still can't believe you're mine.

you are so beautiful. and i love you little puppy.

you

if you had asked me only a few short months ago how i thought life with a newborn would go, it would be a totally different explanation than reality.

honestly, i thought it would be a little bit easier. i'm not too prideful to admit that some moments are just plain hard. like bring back the labor and delivery part hard because that was a cake walk comparatively. bring back the cankles. wait. i don't mean that.

and if you had asked me how i thought G and i would weather the sleepless nights and screaming new baby cries and total confusion as to what to do with the little person in our arms, i would have probably told you we'd be ready to kill. but i would have been wrong about that part, as well.

they say having a baby can't fix your marriage. and i'm sure that's true. but hot dang, it's made ours so much stronger. i have never seen my husband be such a rock star. he has been so selfless in providing for our little family, sacrificing sleep and comfort and personal time to be present and helpful. 

where i thought there would be tension there is patience. where i expected complaining there is none. where there might typically be arguments there is affection. i thought i'd get tired of having him home. i thought i'd be pushing him out the door and back to work. but instead i was soaking up each moment with just the three of us. completely exhausted and totally overwhelmed but absolutely in love with each other and our little #rowenugget. 

today is the first day G is back to work. and i can't tell you how nervous i was to tackle this baby care thing alone. because G has been absolutely crucial to my survival these last two weeks. he's kept me sane, let me cry my hormonal brains out, given me time to myself to feel human, and cheered me on every step of the way. 

having a baby has been the most challenging thing we've ever done. but i wouldn't want to be on this road with anyone else. you are my favorite person in the whole world. we're so lucky to be your girls.

[all photos by the talented jonathan o'brien of the bearded lensman]

she's here.

exactly one week ago my world changed forever.

welcome, baby girl. we are so glad you are finally in our arms.

it's so true that being a parent points you to our Father, the Creator of the Universe. 

my desperate need for Him, reflected in my daughter's desperate need for me.

it's been a whirlwind week. full of newborn snuggles and very little sleeping. but we are so thankful for a healthy baby. for family and friends whose love and support has been so precious. for doctors who have been patient and calm. and for our Savior who holds us tired parents in the hard moments.

we have full hearts. 

adrianne & nigel

i had the pleasure of meeting adrianne as an awkward middle schooler. we accepted each other in all our nerd glory and the rest is history. i was honored to be able to shoot her e-session, because i love her and not many people stick out a friendship with you for well over a decade. 

it is so obvious that adrianne & nigel are in love. the way they look at each other, the affection between them, it makes you feel all the love when you're around them. i can't wait to share in their wedding day as a bridesmaid but for this day i was super happy to be the one behind the camera capturing their awesome chemistry.

week 38

the end is near.

it seems that our little #rowenugget is most definitely arriving before july 4th. the midwives bumped up my 39 week appointment by two days to ensure that an induction was scheduled by the time i am officially 39 weeks pregnant. however, in the most dramatic turn of events (not) my amniotic fluid level is back to normal. do i still have polyhydramnios? no one really knows. but i guess that there's maybe a small chance i won't be induced? #confusion

{this photo seems to communicate that i'm trying to steal all the watermelon under my shirt in the most nonchalant manner ever. don't mind me. i'm just holding my belly. up. i'm literally holding my belly up so it doesn't drag the floor. or something.}

regardless, i am still hoping to make it to june 30 or july 1, at the very least. these days have no special meaning to me other than it will work out much better with my and G's vacation time situation at work. but i am a little sad that our panda is going to be born on the most popular vacation week of the year resulting in many family and friends being out of town for her arrival.

in other news, i am officially burnt out on pregnancy. there have been days when i have absolutely loved being chosen to carry our little nugget, days when i've been in awe that i am actually growing a person. but in general, pregnancy has stretched me to the very limit, physically and emotionally.

i am not a person that thinks my pregnant body is lovely. i hate my pregnant body. i am totally over comments about my pregnant body. basically i rage every time someone mentions how pregnant i look. it is the equivalent of telling me i look like a close relative of the swamp thing. i have serious anxiety about losing the baby weight. i tear up when i consider that i will never get my pre-baby body back. last summer i was frolicking down the sandy shore in a bikini, people. if i had only known how precious those days were...

on the other hand, G has really enjoyed the giggle fits that pregnany brought to my life. i am not a random giggle fit person. i am not really a laughing person. i am dry and my personality is pretty monotone. but pregnancy gave me the gigs for real. however, with the giggles also came the random outbursts of tears and the unquenchable anger for no good reason. fun. G has really enjoyed that, as well.



baby size: G and i have a bet on how large the #rowenugget will be. i am guessing she is already around 7.5-8 lbs and will definitely weigh over 8 lbs. at birth. polyhydramnios typically results in larger babies. G is guessing under 8 lbs.

weight gain: i am embarrassed to even admit this, but somewhere around 29 lbs. yikes. i'd like to blame some of it on the polyhydramnios and swelling. but who knows.

craving: i don't know if it's just the summer heat but i have been wanting all the fresh veggies and fruit.

can't even: it's been unreasonably hot these last few weeks here in NC. like walking out the door at 7 am to 89 degree heat. i mean seriously. i can't even. also, i literally have not felt my right pinky or ring finger in days.

loving: all the baby things and imagining holding a little baby in all her cute little baby clothes.

team

this post is not designed to tell you anything you don't already know or can't discern by yourself. but new mom or old mom i want to cheer you on. because as i'm getting ready to start this journey of being a mom, i need your cheers too.

 

16 WEEKS

 

maybe i'm just paying more attention but lately i've seen several articles with titles like, "why i can't afford for my wife to stay at home". usually these articles go on to list the value of the stay-at-home mom in ridiculous amounts. "full time car service, $40.00/hour at 80 hours/week". "in house chef, grocery shopper, and meal planner, $1,000 week". all of these line items are then neatly summed up with the conclusion that if the stay-at-home mom/wife were paid for all her duties, the cost would be astronomical! the family would be wealthy beyond measure!

and then the biggest punch in the gut to the self-absorbed working mom, the stay-at-home mom actually CARES about her children, and their health, personal well-being, and physical and spiritual development.


18 WEEKS

 

don't misunderstand, stay-at-home mom. i am all for you. i was raised by one of you. i was homeschooled by one of you. i understand the sacrifice, the dedication, and the humility it takes to be a stay-at-home mom. you rock. you are an absolute rock star.

but don't belittle the working mom in your rise to fame.


23 WEEKS



just because working moms go to work doesn't mean they get a pass on all those homely and motherly duties. as a working mom, i'm still going to be the main grocery shopper, meal planner, diaper changer, house keeper, laundry washer. i'm just going to juggle a career alongside those things.




27 WEEKS

i'm not choosing work over my child. i'm working to give my child opportunities that i maybe didn't have. and i'm not working so that i can lay the responsibility of raising my child on some practical stranger. i'm taking full responsibility for raising my child. it just doesn't involve staying at home full time. and you know maybe i want to show my daughter that education for women leads somewhere out there in the great big world. and that mommies can bring home the bacon also.



31 WEEKS

 

but really...i just want moms to be on the same team. whether you stay at home with your kids or work 60 hours a week to provide for your kids. whether you're a divorced mom, a single mom, a step mom, adoptive mom, or just plain old mom.



34 WEEKS

 

can we take the dollar sign off of motherhood? can we all just admit that good parenting is priceless in our broken world. that having a loving mom who strives to provide, to love, to care, to nurture is the best type of mom, no matter how she gets it done.

so here's to you, mom with spit-up on her shirt, mom rocking the power suit, and mom who can't remember the last time she took a shower with no interruptions. i want you on my team.

week 36

this week brought all the pregnancy symptoms. swelling and cankles and tears and hip pain and exhaustion. i am still maintaining a normal schedule with work but by the time i get home making dinner and washing clothes is an accomplishment. however, in a great burst of inspiration or complete lunacy i did go for a 20 minute jog and a 30 minute walk last week. i used to laugh at people who called walking "cardio exercise". now i'm all like senior citizens be passing me.

 

by sunday, G felt so sorry for me and my cankles that he was scrambling to do anything and everything so i could be a sofa surfer. thank you, G. in the sweetest moment of husbandry, he came home from the grocery store with redbox, a frozen pizza, and a dozen roses. this is romance, people and i'm not even playing.



 

week 36 also included another growth scan. the panda has the chubbiest face and basically looks exactly like a panda. this may be a marginal exaggeration. but only by the slightest degree. also, every week the ultrasound tech makes some sort of remark about her hair. G is really afraid she has a cul-de-sac of hair. i'm praying for a head full of jet black locks.

it also appears as though the polyhydramnios business has basically guaranteed that the #rowenugget is making her grand entrance by her due date! this is exciting and also terrifying. so you know... if you're going to be in the area between july 1-7 feel free to bring me all the wine. i will let you hold my brand new human in return.





baby size: from here on out there is a lot of variance. she is close to her final size and her only developmental job is to gain weight. the average is around 18 inches and 5 to 6 pounds, the size of a honeydew!
 

weight gain: 25 lbs. yay...
 

craving: the ice cream mania is back. i think about ice cream at least once a day.
 

can't even: i am now at the point where my only real option is sleeping on my side. however, this also happens to be an extremely painful option.
 

loving: that God is in control. these last few weeks have been mentally exhausting trying to navigate vague information, rude commentary, and varying degrees of sleep deprivation. but it is so comforting to know that as i prepare to become a mother, that i'm still a daughter of a king. and he sees me.