week 34

a little late on posting the weekly bump report. oops.

today i thought i would talk about all the rules of pregnancy and how i've been interpreting those for my particular journey to motherhood. bearing in mind that pregnancy was the gift i was given but didn't ask for, you have to understand that i maybe wasn't so excited about all the rules, both written and unwritten, for pregnant ladies.

medicine. i already do not like taking medicine. it is not my jam. but i found out i was pregnant because my body decided to cover itself in hives. hives are basically the worst physical experience i have ever endured. i literally prayed to God, "i will throw up every single day of this pregnancy to not have one hive ever again.". and i meant it. so despite conflicting opinions within the medical community and my own household, i took the prednisone until the hives were gone. i've also been taking allergy medicine for the past few weeks because i just couldn't do it anymore.

sushi. G let me eat veggie sushi once. if it were totally up to me, i would probably have eaten sushi like 7 times by now.

omnivore. i'm a pescetarian. this means that i [sometimes] eat seafood. but not often. i felt confident in my decision to stay mostly vegetarian when i found out i was pregnant. i've had a really healthy pregnancy and the #rowenugget is developing exactly as she should. have i been eating extra protein to make up for the fact i do not eat meat? no.

alcohol. this is a rule that i have followed. not one sip. G graciously and on his own decided to abstain from the adult beverages for the duration of my pregnancy alongside me. because we are even stephens. however, we are both anxiously awaiting that celebratory drink after the #rowenugget arrives. because guess what. i am not going alcohol-free while breastfeeding.

water. i haven't been drinking the recommended amount of water. sue me.

preparing for birth. we aren't taking lamaze or any other sort of birthing or parenting class. typically, i am a super type a planner. i like to pack for vacation like a week in advance. and only after i have made a list. but this panda is coming one way or another and there's really nothing that i can compare it to nor do i want to spend too much time thinking about what childbirth may be like. truth be told, i am more concerned with the aftermath than the actual labor.

sleep habits. i sometimes sleep on my side like i'm supposed to. but usually i'm attempting unsuccessfully to sleep on my belly or sleeping on my back. i can't help myself. it's just the way it happens.

good vibrations. some people believe that if you are sad or stressed during your pregnancy that you will have an anxious and unhappy baby. well i can't keep the tears at bay and stress is like my middle name. if i could maybe have a large glass of wine and sit in the corner and think about it maybe i'd be in a better mood. i'm not at all depressed. i'm just feeling all the feelings and not really trying to be peppy and perky and like super cheerful. because since when have i ever been like that.

books. i love to read. but i haven't read one single baby book. i have this snooty opinion that anyone can write a book telling you the best way to do anything. it doesn't make it the best way. we aren't going to be perfect parents, the #rowenugget will not be the perfect sleeper, eater, pooper, etc. what will be will be.

baby size: the size of a butternut squash! this seems small. she is nearing her final "height" so while the average is 18 inches...something inside me doubts she is already this long. and her weight is still hovering around 5 lbs.

weight gain: 21 lbs.

craving: this past weekend i was in a major junk food rage.

can't even: i think people really believe that i want to talk about my pregnancy and nothing else. but i don't. i want to talk about other stuff like a normal human being. it is OK to acknowledge that i have other interests beyond the size of my belly, my due date, and the name of my child.

loving: that the finish line is in sight!

week 33

not only is this the 33rd week of the #rowenugget's life, it is also the anniversary of our 3rd year of marriage!

we celebrated with a quick (one night) trip to Asheville, NC - land of hippies, lefty politics, art, and the Vanderbilt family legacy. what do you do with a pregnant lady on a vacation where alcohol cannot be consumed in the biggest beer hub of NC? you feed her. we had so much fun roaming around eating delicious things and enjoying simple activities like the farmer's market and the blue ridge parkway. and i realized that walking 3 blocks uphill was my biggest accomplishment this month.



year three of marriage was full of important things. we made it through some really hard days and some really fantastic days. we toured the caribbean islands. we celebrated graduation from graduate school and started a new job. we were totally surprised to find out we made a human. we dreamed big dreams for our future. we laid some old dreams down. we joined our church to reach the one. we listened to each other more. we sometimes hurt each other's feelings. we cheered each other on.

if you had asked me at our second anniversary where we would be in a year, i would never have said pregnant and so happy i could barely stand it. pregnancy and happiness were not at all synonymous in my world. furthermore, i am not one of the people that thinks married life has been the biggest joy ride ever. marriage is hard work. it is sometimes so easy that you forget it is hard work. but sometimes it is so hard it feels impossible. but dang, it's been worth it.

in the face of so much heartbreak in our world, i'm glad you're the one who holds my heart. i may be controlling and overbearing but i trust you with my heart. and i may get tunnel vision and lose sight of the bigger picture, but i will never lose sight of how much i love you.

this week was the first "extra" regularly scheduled ultrasound. i measured within the acceptable range - 29 cm but my amniotic fluid level was the same as last week. so the weekly visits and ultrasounds will continue to monitor only. however, no health problems and the panda's organs are all doing all the things they're supposed to be doing. during the ultrasound i was able to see her entire face - forehead to chin. it only lasted like a second but she has pudgy cheeks and basically looks so full of panda cuteness.

baby size: the size of a durian fruit! what the heck is a durian fruit? around 4.5-5 pounds and 18 inches long. 

weight gain: TWENTY pounds. sheesh. 

craving: a full night's sleep

can't even: the jokes. please, people with the pregnancy/huge belly/fat jokes. you aren't funny. my sense of humor is not that great. just stop.

loving: the look on G's face when he gets to feel the #rowenugget flip or kick or wiggle. when her movements first became noticeable, G never got to feel it. she would stop as soon as his hand touched my belly. but lately she's been doing all the dance moves for her dad. 



week 32

the home stretch. 8 more weeks (maybe a few more, hopefully a few less). i finally had to break down and start taking claritin. it was either take the meds or stop breathing. sinuses. but beyond that and feeling awkward and uncomfortable, i just feel so ready to see my nugget.

so here's what i haven't been saying because it hasn't been worth mentioning until now. i have basically measured 1-3 centimeters on the small side for the past several office visits. plus or minus 3 centimeters is considered within the normal range. and honestly, i've just been grateful i haven't been measuring on the large side.

at 30 weeks i measured 27 cm, got a great report and went about my merry way.

at 32 weeks i measured 26 cm and had to have an impromptu "growth scan" to make sure that the #rowenugget was growing according to plan.

she is, in fact, right on track and looking so cute in there.

interestingly, despite my small measurement, i have just a tad too much amniotic fluid which resulted in a blood panel being ordered and weekly ultrasounds to monitor the situation. meaning i'm going to ask for your prayers that the excess of amniotic fluid isn't a sign of some greater issue. furthermore, i am choosing to avoid the internets and unsolicited advice as to what could be happening.

as a parent-in-training it is easy to let the smallest things scare the crap out of you. but i feel pretty strongly that God wants my trust, my faith, and my complete dependance on him. the midwife did not seem overly concerned that anything terrible was happening and i'm choosing to see the blessing of extra ultrasounds to swoon over my panda babe. and you know what? God is faithful. and this is just one more thing to teach me to look to him.

baby size: the size of a "squash". according to the ultrasound she's measuring around 4 lbs. 5 oz.

weight gain: zero since my last visit

craving: give me all the orange juice. it is the pregnant woman's wine.

can't even: people staring at my belly. it just feels super awkward. like, i have a face. look at that.

loving: my baby panda and the excitement to hold her little body and see her squishy face.

week 31

i've been dragging my feet to update you on the happenings of the #rowenugget because i haven't had a whole lot of positive words to share. and i don't want my pregnancy updates to just be filled with anger and disgust. 

we love our #rowenugget. we already think she's the best thing ever, because to us she is. i'm so sentimental because she's probably our only tiny newborn. our first and last hospital baby. honestly, pregnancy was never a state of being i wanted to experience. in my dream world all my babies would be adopted, saving me from all the yucky parts of cooking up your own offspring. but that is not God's plan for me and i am very grateful that my life revolves around his wisdom and not my own. 

right now, one pregnancy has brought all the fulfillment i need. i truly don't foresee me desiring to walk this road to parenthood again. like ever. but don't mistake that for regret. i absolutely have no regrets about our little panda.

physically, pregnancy had been easier than i anticipated. i can't do a lot of things that super fit pregnant women can do, but i'm healthy. i haven't had a single blip on the radar as far as medical concerns and even though sometimes i'm so tired i just want to cry i have been able to maintain a somewhat normal schedule. also, i haven't been sick - no colds, no flu, no strep throat. i am so thankful.

which brings me to the emotional toll of pregnancy. ohmygus. i didn't know everything would hurt my feelings. i know i'm gigantic, i don't need you to comment on my size. or tell me i'm already so big i'll never make it to my due date. or that you thought i should have already had the baby based on how big i am. or that i must have "twins in there". and i need to buy larger clothes. normally these type of comments would make my want to take my hulk size body and rip you in half. but i'm pregnant. so instead all it does is make me go home and cry.

feel free to judge me all you want. just do it behind my back. please.

baby size: nearing 4 lbs. and 17 inches "head to heel", the size of a pineapple! (including the leafy top part? who knows)

weight gain: around 18 pounds. i don't want to talk about it. 

craving: kinder words. 

can't even: breathing is seriously hard. also, bring me all the champagne to the hospital. hashtag poppin' bottles. 

loving: my husband. i've always been a wee bit on the independent (read: stubborn) side. i don't like to ask for help and i definitely do not like needing help. but lately i can't do normal things without help and G never complains about helping me. 

the gritty bits

let me take you back to a lovely spring day in 1987. big hair and man perms. the scene is jfk international. back when you could go and watch the planes come in just for fun. a crowded terminal, the anxiety so thick you can almost see it. and then the doors open and mothers are crying tears of joy and fathers are speechless and grandparents and aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters clap and cheer.

i flew all the way around the world to meet two strangers that i would eventually call mom and dad. it was glorious and terrifying and beautiful and chaotic. i was theirs. they were mine. the end. and since i wasn't even 6 full months old yet, it was assumed that i'd never know the difference. "it will be like she was always ours". and so it was.

except life is never that simple.

so in honor of my gotcha day - that day so long ago where i journeyed from the only home i knew to the only home i'd remember. i'm going to tell you about the gritty bits that get left out. because the hard days deserve a voice, as well.

i loved her. i loved the mother that gave me life and then abandoned me to an unknown fate. despite all logic, i loved her. i'd dream up a grown up version of myself and imagine the lines of her face, the warmth of her hug, the timbre of her voice. i'd never tell my mom because i knew it would break her heart. i knew she'd resent the love that couldn't belong to her. so i loved her in secret and time and time again the weight of abandonment would crush my heart. because it was our secret, mine and hers, that we loved each other. except i didn't really know if she loved me. because she left me. and i couldn't make those things marry.

...

i'm different from them in ways that can't be ignored. there are so many ways i am like my dad, anxious and nerdy, and my mom, headstrong and emotional. but i wear it in a totally different way. i have one brother that's a bio kid. the similarities he has with my parents are so striking you know immediately that he belongs to them. no one would ever think that about me. because i'm just different from them. i think, act, process, analyze, and feel in a way that is so me and so not them. some of this is born out of my sheer determination to be different, but some of it is simply the result of genes and biology and science-y things that are beyond my everyday vocabulary.

...

when i was younger, i desperately wanted to look like i belonged to my family. being an asian kid in a house full of white folks isn't so bad, until you have to leave said house and venture out into the unrelenting stares from strangers. does she speak english? who does she belong to? how much did she cost? what is she? all questions that maybe were spoken out of curiosity but even as a young child, were like daggers right through my heart. i grew up with constant reminders that my piece of the puzzle just didn't fit for most people. i didn't belong

...

some days it's still hard. trying to answer questions about a medical history that doesn't exist. pondering what my newborn will look like when i don't even know what i looked like. growing up doesn't mean the questions eventually fade away. if anything it feels like the questions have gotten harder, my identity more complex. there is her, the orphan baby, and there is me, the daughter of the people i call "mom" and "dad", the wife of G, the mother of the #rowenugget. but don't tell me that orphan baby isn't important. because she is me. and her story matters even if it is unknowable.

...

in the hardest moments i cling to the Gospel, remembering that i am fully known by the Creator of the universe. there is not a moment of my life unknown to him. and he loved me every moment. he loves me now in my doubt and fear. he planned the complicated, beautiful, messy, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful story of my life. he planned for me to have multiple people i would know as mother and father so that he could remind me that he is all i need to satisfy my longing for love. because he is love.

adoption, like most good things in life, is hard. but oh, it's so worth it.

week 28

first, let me just say that it's no lie that the second trimester of pregnancy is magical. it's like fairies have sprinkled all the good feelings on you and you just can't believe that something so foreign could feel so good.

which leads me to the beginning of the third trimester. suddenly things that were just somewhat bothersome now seem impossible. bending at the waist? ha! walking long distances? i can't. sleep? what's that? in other words, the last trimester feels strangely similar to the first trimester except that instead of feeling bloated for no good reason, you feel like you have eaten at least a dozen bricks.

i did drag my pillowy azz to the gym this week where i took 30 minutes to wog a mere 2.5 miles. this is third trimester pregnancy success. i felt like i had just tackled goliath and won. and i was waddling. it was a waddling wog.

however, even though i've been pretty uncomfortable like 85% of every moment of my life the last two weeks, i still feel so incredibly grateful. me and G have been blessed with a healthy pregnancy and good reports on the #rowenugget every step of the way. so good that sometimes i want to double check because it just seems like things are going too smoothly.

in other news, i am back to only being able to eat a little bit at a time. no i am not binge eating. it literally takes me 2 hours to consume an entire meal. also, the #rowenugget loves to move and my gut instinct would like to think she's finally shifting from breach to her head down position. last night there was this huge hard bulge that had to be her head and it was weird, people. weird.



baby size: 14-15 inches "head to heel" and 2-2.5 pounds, the size of an eggplant!

weight gain: 15 lbs.

craving: no particular cravings lately.

can't even: the waddling. it's like when you've had one sip too many of the adult beverages and suddenly each step you take seems important. that's how it feels to be largely pregnant and not waddle.

loving: imagining what she looks like. sometimes i imagine she looks like me, sometimes i imagine she looks like G. but i can't really fathom what our half panda looks like and i can't wait to find out.

week 27

so weeks 24-25 were pretty much the best ever. i mean. sleep is elusive and laying down is still pretty much THE WORST. but for a solid two weeks i was all like, "aww this isn't so bad" and "i love that she's so safe and warm in my tummy". in a moment of weakness i even mentioned to G that i might someday be willing to venture down this road again.

fear not. it was just a phase. i'm back to being ambivilent about pregnancy on the best day and totally over it on the reg. i credit this to all of you and your big mouths. lately all anyone can talk about is how round, large, big, and pregnant i look. thank you, people of the world, for pointing out to me on a daily basis that i am "way bigger" than i was a few short weeks ago. i love being told i'm fat, don't you?

forgive me, father if i have ever commented to a pregnant lady on the size of her bump. save me from future transgressions of the same. i have learned my lesson tenfold.

since i haven't exactly been on the top of my game with posting, how about a quick 2 week recap?

at 26 weeks, the #rowenugget was 13.5-14.5 inches "head to heel" and 1.5-2 pounds, the size of a head of lettuce!

 

 

baby size: this week, we are only marginally larger still at about 13.5-14.5 inches "head to heel" and at 2 pounds(ish), the size of a head a cauliflower.

also of note, this is the beginning of the end! hello, final trimester! this week the baby is considered viable, meaning she could live outside the womb (although not without a lot of complications and risk). her heart rate remains pretty speedy, further perpetuating the notion that girl nuggets have faster heart rates than boy nuggets. she was a cool 145 bpm last week at the doctor.

speaking of hearts, my little heart has been quite tender as of late. basically, everything hurts my feelings and makes me cry/whine/cry some more. so if you happen to witness me randomly burst into tears, don't worry. it's totes cool.



weight gain: 13-14 lbs.

craving: i still prefer sweet to salty most of the time, which remains the total opposite of my normal non-pregnant self.

can't even: greeting me with "wow!" instead of "hello" "hey you" or any other normal person greeting. note: the exclamation is usually accompanied by eyes the size of plates transfixed on my middle region.

loving: watching G transform from normal dude into overprotective dad. sometimes this falls into the "can't even" category because it feels like he's transforming into MY overprotective dad. but he loves our little nugget and wants the very best for her.