tiny pepper

Let's start this post with honesty, shall we?

I had a hard time deciding what I was thankful for this Thursday. Not because I have so many things I'm thankful for that it's hard to choose one...but because I haven't exactly had a very thankful week.

There are plenty of things I have to be thankful for. I've just forgotten to actually BE THANKFUL. It's not that I don't appreciate the things I have, I do. But part of thankfulness involves action. I have to act thankful by using what I've been given, by valuing what is valuable, and by giving God the glory for everything I have. And well this past week, I kind of just went about my business and didn't really think about being thankful until it came time to write this post.

No bueno. 

But truthfully that's what I started #thankfulthursdays. I need accountability. I need a constant reminder that I am so blessed and need to give thanks to my Savior who gave it all for me. 

So this week I am thankful that God continues to bless me, sustain me, and restore me even when I'm not all that thankful for it. I'm thankful for his goodness in my complacency. I'm thankful that he's always faithful, so constant, and so full of new mercy every day. 

(sidebar: obviously my pictures are unrelated to my words in this post, but hey. i'm rockin' what i got. also. G took the picture of the tiny pepper and i thought it was just oh so cute.)

it's the little things

Lately, G has been playing with my hair. I'm not really the type of person that likes to be touched a lot or have her hair played with...it's just not my thing. But there's something so sweet and simple about my hubs twirling my hair while we're watching tv on the sofa. 

A couple weeks ago G spent all day Sunday watching football at his friend's house. I was totally fine with it because I had a lot of schoolwork to get through. But we're so busy through the week that the weekends are usually the only time we have to do anything fun together and I knew we'd be giving up some of that time. While he was gone, he sent me a text and totally unexpectedly told me he wanted to go on a froyo date when he got home. 

I don't want to take these little things for granted. I want to cherish them and remember them and celebrate them because even the little things matter. So this week I'm thankful for hair twirling and frozen yogurt dates.

this is your life

I went to a baby shower for some friends over the weekend. They are expecting their first baby this month and I am pretty excited about it. Some people don't really get babies. And that is totally fine. But I am not one of those people. I love babies.

Baby showers, on the other hand, are not my thing. But this shower had no stupid decorations, games, or otherwise baby shower themed paraphernalia. It was basically just a lot of good food and conversation.

In the midst of that conversation, my friend and mother-to-be said sometimes she feel's like that Switchfoot song, This is Your Life, is directed toward her. And although I didn't say it, I totally feel the same exact way.

 My life isn't everything I thought it would be. But at the same time, it's a whole lot of things I never even considered. I thought by now I'd have a pretty little "Ph.D." behind my name. I thought I'd be living in a big city in a tiny apartment. And while there's nothing wrong with wanting those things. There's also nothing wrong with not having those things. 

I have a steady job in a difficult economic climate. I don't live in a big city, instead I live in a small town in a house with a husband and a big back yard. I never thought my life would look like it does at this very moment. But maybe my dream was the wrong dream. Maybe I'm living the dream and I don't even know it. 

Take a journey into my mind

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy to maintain a blog. I work in a public sector and anyone could just google my name and find my blog. I really don't like that.

Also, I find it really hard to be as brutally honest as I want to be. Some of my favorite blogs share some of the hardest stories. And I want my blog to be a place where I can record the hard things and the good things. But I'm afraid that if I tell you about the things I suck at and struggle with, that your judgment will be too much for me. I worry that I'll say too much or not enough and you'll misunderstand me.

But for today, I'm going to let all of my insecurities about this blog go and just tell you what's really on my mind.

I felt really guilty when my grandmother died in August. Because I didn't adore her the way people typically adore their grandparents. In fact, I disliked her a lot of the time. She said and did things that made our relationship hard. And I was unforgiving. And that unforgiveness turned into bitterness and then her mind went and it was too late to heal what was lost. She is the one who taught me how to sing "Jesus Loves Me" and "Jesus Loves the Little Children". She's the grandmother who taught me nursery rhymes and how to like pretty things. I never got to mend that relationship. It just kind of died and then she died.

When my grandmother died it made me really question other relationships that could be healed but aren't. Last year my relationship with my other grandparents fell apart. For a lot of reasons, my grandfather and I stand on opposite sides of some important issues. And he threatened me based on those disagreements, and not for the first time. So I walked away and didn't look back. I still go around for family things. But I barely speak to him. In the last year and a half I've said a handful of words to my grandparents. And none of those words were "I love you". I have no idea how to begin healing that relationship. Some days I don't even know if that's what I really want. 

And I'm afraid that these feelings and damaged relationships make me a failure. Satan tells me over and over again that I am a failure. He loves to point out how all these things are my fault. All the things I've done wrong in these relationships. How I'm unlovable. I believe the devil when he tells me how ugly, and messed up, and damaged I am. I believe him because I am messed up. But the real failure is that some days I believe that's the end of the story.

But that's not the end of the story at all. While Satan is screaming my failures to me, Jesus is whispering that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how ruined or spent I might be because it's not about me. Grace isn't given to prove how deserving or loving I am. It's the opposite. Grace is given to prove how loving and deserving God is. I am undeserving and damaged and unlovely. But God still wants me and loves me and pursues me with relentless love because he deserves my love and praise. And maybe those words seem counter-intuitive to you. But for me, the Gospel story frees me. Because my story doesn't hinge on how good I am. It hinges on how good God is.

I don't have it all figured out. I can't go back and change the way things have happened. But God already knows the end of my story. And it ends in his glory. And I am so thankful for that.

thankful thursdays.

i'm over throwback thursday. otherwise known as #tbt. frankly, i don't want to relive the glory days of straight cut bangs, matching cotton shorts outfits, and jellies. oh, you didn't wear that? i'm sorry you weren't cool.

then there's the first two years with braces. and then two more years. oh, you have perfectly straight teeth? good for you.

i digress.

i want to be thankful on thursdays instead. not horrified at my childhood fashion choices displayed on instagram for all to see.

so this thursday i'm thankful for a lot and yet not enough. i'm thankful for my husband. even though he drives me absolutely nuts sometimes. he's so faithful and i'm lucky to have someone so dedicated to glorifying God in marriage.

guys. let's get thankful. #thankfulthursdays

august as told by september.

last month G and I traveled to New Jersey, the land of my childhood, to say goodbye to my grandmother. we laid these beautiful yellow roses to rest with her. the same type of rose i carried on my wedding day. watching my grandfather toss a rose on his wife's coffin was maybe one of the most beautiful and most tragic things i've ever seen. 

last month we also celebrated my niece's first birthday. a celebration of a long life that lives on in heaven and a new live with well wishes for many years more. my niece's birthday party was maybe one of the loudest events i've been too short of a college football game. truth. 

there was also a wedding for G's cousin thrown in there. and a cookout to christen our new house where G and our brother-in-law created a mini forest fire in the back yard. and now it's time for fall. pumpkin spice everything and leather jackets and football. 

a new season begins. let's go.

family

G and I are very blessed to have lots of loving family. My family is on the small side. I'd like to say we're really tight-knit, but we're not. G's family is huge. And for the most part, his family is pretty close.

In June we celebrated his cousin's wedding. This is G's sweet cousin, a bridesmaid on the lovely day and sister to the groom.

The day after the wedding, we jumped in the car and drove almost 10 hours north to New Jersey to be with my very ill grandfather. Time. I wish I had more of it. I wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted.

We went to check out some fireworks with both sets of parents and my little brother on July 4. And all I got was this lousy picture of some ducks. It's been raining a lot in NC. 

G and I are also lucky to have both sets of parents close by and on great terms with one another. Not everyone gets that and I know what a gift that is to us. Thanks Mom and Dad S. and Mom and Dad R. for being team A+G.

How's that for a random blog update?